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Boundy's Best Jokes

For many years Colin Boundy has been a regular contributor with jokes to the RFTTE.com Facebook page... he's given many of us a good laugh when we really needed one... so I've compiled some of Colin's best, enjoy! (and let me know if I've missed any... simon@rfttejobs.com)


Col's also pretty handy building stuff, see some of his work: Col’s Creations & Pics | Aussie Rural Fencing & Yards


Latest Joke 6th November 2023...



 

ONE FOR THE MELBOURNE CUP

A woman and a racehorse walk into the bar. The two order a plate of nachos and enjoy a few beers before the end of the night. When the time comes to leave, the woman walks up to the bar and drops a few crumpled notes and cents on the counter.

“That should cover it,” she says, and leaves the bar.


The bartender counts the money and is surprised to find that it is the exact amount needed to cover the bill.


A few moments later the woman walks back into the bar. “Sorry,” she says. “The service was great, and I forgot to tip.” Once again, she reaches into her pocket and pulls out exactly 15 per cent of the total bill.


“Excuse me,” asks the bartender. “Do you mind if I ask you about the exact change and the horse?”


“Arh, you see, a long time ago I was an archaeologist. While in Arabia, I discovered a magical lamp with a genie inside who granted me three wishes. My first wish, of course, was for eternal youth and fitness. My second wish was for unlimited wealth. Whenever I go to buy something, I simply have to reach into my pocket, and I pull out the exact amount of cash I need. My third and final wish, well, I asked for a tall, youthful, long-legged and well-endowed stud to keep me company and stick by my side. I should have specified.”


 

CONFUSED RINGER

An old ringer sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the ringer and asked, “Are you a real ringer?”

He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life, breaking colts, mustering cattle, going to rodeos, fixing fences, branding calves, bailing hay, cleaning my shed. fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a ringer “.


She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.”


The two sat sipping in silence.


A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old ringer and asked, “Are you a real ringer?”


He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”

 

BIG FEET?

A woman goes into a bar in Mt Isa and sees a ringer with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the ringer if it's true what they say about men with big feet.


The ringer grins and says, "Sure is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to my room and let me prove it to you!"


The woman wants to find out for herself, so she spends the night with him. The next morning she hands him a $100 bill. Blushing, he says, "Well, thank ya Ma'am. I'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.


The woman replies, "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

 

CIRCLE FLIES

A farmer got pulled over by the highway patrol for speeding, and the cop started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the cop got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?'

The cop stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'

So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'

The cop says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's arse?’ The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's arse.

The cop says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, 'Hard to fool them flies though...'

 

WRIGLEYS

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole bread?’

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘of course.’

The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.


The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’


Sighing, the Australian replied, ‘of course.’


Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.’


The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’


The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’


The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’


‘We throw them away, of course!’


Now it was the Australians turn to smile.


‘We don’t. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?

 

BONDI SPUDS

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach, couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it"s obvious," says the lifeguard, "You"re wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They"re years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside "em. I"m tellin" ya mate...you"ll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What"s wrong now?" "JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard. "Mate, the potato goes in front!"

 

HORSE BREEDER

A guy calls his buddy, a horse breeder, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment." The midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse? "A female horth." So they go down by the lake and he shows the midget a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?" The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nithe mouf, can I thee her twat?" Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs the midget, calls him a pervert and throws him in the lake! The midget struggles out of the lake, gets up, sputtering and coughing and says: "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

 

STATE OF ORIGIN

Family Court Ruling from Queensland Australia:

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New South Wales state of origin team , whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

 

MARRIED RINGER

The marriage between the old ringer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the ringer consulted his doctor for advice.

"The next time you're down in the yards and feel a yearning for your wife don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house," said the doctor.

"I tried that," said the old ringer, "But by the time I get to the house, I am so buggered it's no use."

The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your shotgun with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are."

A few weeks later the two men met on the street.

"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.

"Fine, the first three days," said the old ringer , "But then the roo shooters arrived and I haven't seen her since."

 

GOLF

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball… stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?”, asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,

“Hey, this looks like yours!”

 

THE DONKEY & THE RINGER

A ringer walks into the bar of an outback pub and asks for a beer, he looks around and see's a BIG jar of $2 coins, he asks the barman, What's with the jar of coins? The barman says, we've got a donkey out the back, you make the donkey LAUGH you get the jar of coins. So the ringer pays his $2 and goes out the back... 5 mins later the whole bar hears the donkey laughing it's head off. The ringer walks back in, scoops up the jar & leaves... 12 months pass, the ringer walks into the bar & orders a beer & looks around and see's a BIG jar of $2 coins, Whats with the coins he asks? We've got a donkey out the back, make the donkey CRY you get the jar of coins OK he says, pays his $2 and goes out the back... 5 mins later, the whole bar hears the donkey bawling its eyes out. The ringer walks back in, scoops up the jar... The barman says, I gotta know, WHAT do you keep saying to it? Well last year I told him my dick was longer than his... Tonight, I showed him.

 

SPEEDING EXCUSE

A pensioner drove his Ford Ute to 100 kmh on the a back road looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...

 

XMAS DINNER

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Bluey!’

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Bluey!’

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Bluey!, get away from her, before she shits on you!

 

ANNUAL CHECK UP

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?"the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

 

SNORING MUTT

A couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring..

'Yeah ............ Right!' She says.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles..

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly. The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

'I don't know where we were or what we did, but by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!'

 

BROKEN HILL CHAT

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy businessman.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Broken Hill NSW

After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Broken Hill commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from Broken Hill commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Broken Hill lady commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Broken Hill lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "What on earth could they teach you??"

The Broken Hill lady responded, "Well as an example... Instead of saying, "Who gives a f--k?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that fantastic?”

 

3 GLASSES OF XXXX

A drover, who just moved to Queensland from Victoria, walks into a bar and orders three glasses of XXXX.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the drover, "You know, a glass goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cattleman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers, one's in 'Tassie', the other one's a 'sandgroper'. When we all left our home in Echuca, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The drover becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The drover looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Salvation Army and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though.

 

CROCS & POLITICIANS

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River.The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.!'

Well, said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

"On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra.

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.

'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not

getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase

 

QLD JACKEROO

A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the jackeroo, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The jackeroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the jackeroo and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Jackeroo.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then the jackeroo says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows . This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'

 

AUSTRALIAN CUSTOMS

Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai . He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region . He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens . Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says , "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs."

"What do you mean mate," says the Aussie. "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me," replied the Chinese man. "He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit."

 

JESSE'S PONY

For his birthday, little Jesse asked for a pony. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this homestead is $5,000 and your mother just lost her job in town. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Jesse heading out the front door with a suitcase and a saddle.

So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Jesse told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $5,000 mortgage and no fucking PONY.

 

AMERICAN GUM

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole bread?’

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘of course.’

The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’

Sighing, the Australian replied, ‘of course.’

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘we don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..

The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’

The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’

‘We throw them away, of course!’

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

‘We don’t. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?’

 

PADDY & MATES

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

 

SHOVEL

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night (as I often do) & I noticed a strange individual who looked like a terrorist with a knife in his hand, sneaking through my next door neighbour’s back garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then dug a grave in the vegie patch and put the body in it and covered it.

Astonished, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned

my wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said.

”What” she said

"That bastard next door has still got my shovel."

 

MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED

"Late again!" The third-grade teacher sternly said to little Joe:

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Joe and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.

"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''

"Stay back!" Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!.....

Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this morning!"

 

ON HEAT

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

 

JACKAROO V ROO MATHS TEST

A Jackaroo wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Roo says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Roo.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Roo stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Roo,so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Roo stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Roo leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

The Roo is the new supervisor.

 

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, ‘Okay old fart, time for you to retire.’

The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?’

The young rooster says, ‘Beat it. You are washed up and I am taking over.’

The old rooster says, ‘I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.’

The young rooster laughs. ‘You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.’

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later, the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about two metres behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Roster is squawking and running as hard as he can.

The farmer grabs his shotgun and — BOOM — he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says, ‘Dammit…third gay rooster I bought this month!’

 


 

BLACK ALL DROVER

A drover rode into town and stopped at a pub for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you smart arses stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Blackall. And I don't like to have to do what I done in Blackall. Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Blackall. The drover turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

 

TREE HUGGER

A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, Native Vegetation, Parks and Wildlife service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility. And I'm sorry, they turned you down.”

 

BULLS BALLS

A big bronzed Aussie stopped stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the tourist returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

 

MALENY FARMER

A Queensland Police officer stopped at a farm in Maleny, and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor. He told the farmer, "I have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now." The old timer said, "Okay officer, but please don't go in that field over there", as he pointed out the location. The Cop exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the State Government behind me!" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face. "See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand!?!"

The farmer nodded politely and continued working on his tractor. A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

 

HONEST INTERVIEW

Jack has an interview for a station hand position, the manager asks him "What's one of your weaknesses?"

Jack says: "I'm too honest"

"I don't reckon honesty is a weakness mate" says the Manager

"I don't give a fuck what you think" says Jack.

 


 

ALIEN INVASION

Two aliens landed in the Western Isles near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, “I’d calm down if I were you.”

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Ticked off at the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don’t want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.”

“Rubbish”, replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 50 metres away.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, it’s that you never fool with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.”

 

GOLFING GIRLS

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed if it's not ready on time." When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg - and a can of cat food.

With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.

To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day?" Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the clubhouse and one of them said, "You killed him "We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in!

"How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him.

He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his arse.”

 

RINGER EXPOSURE

A cop of a small town is patrolling the town one night when he comes across a ringer walking up Main St. The ringer is wearing nothing except his hat, boots, and belt. The cop is a bit surprised at first but gets over his initial shock and arrests the ringer for indecent exposure.The cop locks the ringer in the cell with a pair of pants, then turns back and asks him, "How is it I came across you walking around naked like that?"The ringer says, "Well, sarg, it went like this. I was out at a bar earlier tonight and I saw this gorgeous girl sitting at the bar.We got to talking, danced a while, had a few beers, and next thing you know we're making out in her room. She took off her shirt and told me to take off my shirt, so I did. Then she took off her shorts and told me to take off my jeans, so I did. Then she took off her bra and her panties and told me to take off my boxers, so I did. Then she went and lay down on the bed, looked at me kinda sexy and said 'Now go to town, cowboy!'And, well, here I am!"

 

THE YUPPIE & THE RINGER

A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the jackeroo, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The jackeroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the jackeroo and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Jackeroo.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then the jackeroo says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows . This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'

 

LONGREACH RINGER

Longreach Ringer in Brisbane..

A Longreach ringer went to Brisbane and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into David Jones and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Longreach and I want to buy a complete city outfit." Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?" "Well, ma'am, how about a suit?" "Yes sir. What size?" "Size 53 tall, ma'am." "Wow, that's really big." "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Longreach. "What's next?" she asked. He replied, "How about some shoes?" "What size?" she asked "Size 15 double E." "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Longreach". "What's next?" "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt." "Yes sir. What size?" "Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied. "Wow, that's really big! " "Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Longreach." "Will there be anything else?" she asked. "Yes ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat." "Yes sir. What size? and style?" "63 cm..Akubra." "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Longreach." She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?" "No ma'am , I reckon that will be all." As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Ringer counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?" "Yes ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches." Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Ringer replied,..... From the floor ma'am.................From the floor.

 

A QLD'er IN WA

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets

a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts

grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the

barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.

The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd

around keen to know what they are celebrating.

"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland

baby boy weighing 25 pounds".

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but

the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland .

Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations

of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman

says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed

25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about

how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much

does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers: "17 pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed

25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold

beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly

says, "We had him circumcised!"

 

LEMON SQUEEZE

The owner & bartender, was so sure that he was

the strongest man around, that he offered a

standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.

Many people had tried, over the years: weightlifters, longshoremen, football players etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar,wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.

He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar.

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a meek voice:

"I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter in the pub had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it.....

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

The Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....

as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked little man:

"Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living?

Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied:

no "I work for The Australian Tax Office!"

 

HONKER

A man was attempting to ride his bicycle from WA to Victoria. He made it across the Nullarbor without incident, but when he reached the mountains, the steep grade wore him down. So, he decides to hitchhike.

Sometime later, a car approaches and offers the cyclist a ride, but admits, "Your bicycle won't fit in the car." So, he opens his trunk and takes out a piece of rope. Then, he ties one end of the rope to the bicycle and the other end to his bumper.

"You've got a horn on your bike... If I go too fast, honk your

horn and I'll slow down."

This scheme worked well for several ks until another car

zooms past. Not to be outdone, the man takes off in pursuit

with the bicycle in tow.

Both cars fly through a speed zone and a patrol radar

gun clocks them traveling at 120 kph. The cop radios

ahead to another officer and says, "You've got two vehicles

headed your way and they're both doing over 120 kph.”

"10-4 good buddy," replies the fellow cop.

The first cop hesitates a moment, then adds, "And, you're not going to believe this... there's a guy following on a bicycle and he's honking to pass!"

 

PREGNANT!

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I used a different rooster,” he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”

 

SNAGS

I was checking out at Woolies this morning when I noticed the man in front of me put one thing on the conveyer belt... A box of condoms.

Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact.

So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of tomato sauce on and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages".

 

RM WILLIAMS BOOTS

A retired couple, Claudette and Bob, moved to Tamworth .

Bob had always wanted a pair of R.M. WILLIAMS boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Claudette looked him over. 'No Darl.'

Frustrated, Bob stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen, completely naked except for new R.M. Williams boots.

Again he asked Claudette, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Claudette looked up and exclaimed, 'Bob, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow, 'cause its always that way'

Furious, Bob yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, CLAUDETTE ? DO YOU?'.....'No Darl', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT ME NEW R.M. WILLIAMS BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Claudette replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bob. Shoulda bought a hat'

 

HONEY SUCKLE

A city boy moves to the country. While out walking his property, he stumbles up on his neighbor, an old farmer. He says hey farmer I'm your new neighbor, just moved from the city. I was walking on your property here and noticed you had some honeysuckle growing. Do you mind if I get some honey? Farmer says boy you are from the city. You don't get no honey from no honeysuckle. He says, well do you mind if I try? Farmer says why no go right ahead. Sure enough, comes back half hour later with two quarts of honey. Farmer can't believe it. Comes back the next day and says hey farmer remember me? He says yes sir. What can I do for ya? He says well I was getting that honey yesterday and noticed you had some milkweed growin back here. Mind if I get some milk? Farmer says boy I don't know how you got that honey, but you don't get no milk from no milkweed. He says well do you mind if I try? Farmer says knock yourself out. Sure enough he comes back half hour later with two gallons of milk. Farmer can't believe it. Comes back the next day and says hey farmer remember me? Farmer says I'll never forget you. Honey from the honeysuckle, milk from the milkweed. What can I do for ya? He says well I was gettin that milk yesterday and noticed you had some pussywillow... Farmer says hang on let me get my boots I'm comin with ya!

 

DARLA DR

A woman takes her 18-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!

Have you, Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.

About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill.

I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

 

MADE IN CHINA

A Chinese man flew to Australia on a vacation trip. He took a taxi from the airport to his Hotel.

On his way seeing a bus pass by, he told the taxi driver that in Australia buses run very slow but that in China buses run very fast.

After sometime, they passed under a railway bridge and saw a train passing overhead. The Chinese man then told the driver that the trains also run very slow here but that in China trains run very fast.

Throughout the journey he complained to the driver disparaging Australia at every point. However, the taxi driver kept quiet throughout the journey.

When the Chinese man reached his destination, he asked the driver what the meter reading was and his taxi fare.

The taxi driver replied that it was $137.57.

The Chinese man was shell shocked. He shouted, "Are you kidding? In your country buses run slow, trains run slow, everything is slow. How come the meter alone runs fast?"

To this the taxi bro calmly replied:

*"THE METER IS MADE IN CHINA"*

 

THE OUTHOUSE

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,

"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

 

FREE TRIP TO ITALY

A young Sydney woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the harbour.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man.

"I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain said.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain.

"This is the Manly Ferry."

 

MOTHER'S DRIVERS LICENCE

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mummy’, the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied. 'It's not polite'.

'OK', the little girl says, 'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?’

'Now really', the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business'.

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because on your driving licence it says you got an F in sex.'


 

COW FROM WOY WOY

The only cow in a small town in Latrobe Valley in Victoria, stopped giving milk. The people did some research & found they could buy a cow up in Woy Woy in N.S.W, for $200.


They bought the cow from Woy Woy in N.S.W & the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, & the people were pleased & very happy.


They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow & produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.


They bought a bull & put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.


No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull & he could not succeed in his quest.


The people were very upset & decided to ask the local Veterinarian, who was very wise, what to do. They told the vet what was happening.


"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away" they said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from

the front, she backs off. An approach from the side & she walks away to the other side."


The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute & asks, "Did you buy this cow in Woy Woy in N.S.W?"


The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.


"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Woy Woy?"


The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Woy Woy!"


 

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